10.12.06

If I Could Make This Shit Up I Would Change My Name to Aaron Sorkin & Move to L.A.

Posted in depression, general nonsense, hailie, husband at 4:51 pm

If I have just one problem with my Husband, it is that the boy can not remember to flush the damned toilet. He insists that when he was a child, California was going through a drought, and he was taught by his parents not to flush. While this may or may not be true, I would submit to you, dear reader, that if the three year old child of his loins is calling him out on this disgusting habit, the time to re-think his parents teaching has come.

If I have one problem with my cat, it is her disturbing boundary issues. Ever had a cat jump in your lap while taking a dump — and then snuggle down next to your belly? I have…

Last night, I went into the bathroom to take a bath and the problems came to a head. So to speak…

FADE IN

INT. SMALL WELL-LIT BATHROOM WITH BEAUTIFUL PINK MARBLE TILE ON THE FLOOR. NIGHT

A beautiful woman in her late-20’s, APRIL, walks into the bathroom wearing a bathrobe. She approaches the bathrub and turns on the water. As she turns away from the bathtub, she notices that the contents of the toilet resemble the Missouri River after the Dave Matthews Band tour bus has driven through it.

APRIL
(looks disgusted)
Oh c’mon! What the fuck?!

April charges out of the bathroom.

INT. SMALL HOME OFFICE WITH TWO OAK DESKS AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE ROOM. NEXT TO EACH DESK IS A TALL OAK BOOKCASE FILLED WITH BOOKS. ONE DESK HAS A STATE-OF-THE-ART LAPTOP COMPUTER AND SIX (EMPTY) DR PEPPER CANS NEXT TO IT. NIGHT

A man in his early-30’s with short dishevaled hair, SCOTT, is seated at the desk in front of the laptop. He is wearing a headset and is playing “World of Warcraft.” Scott is dressed in a pair of ill-fitting sweatpants, sweat socks, and April’s slippers.

Voices from the computer speaker are audible.

April enters and approaches Scott from behind.

APRIL
(angrily)
Hey! If you are going to do that, could you at least flush?

SCOTT
(swivels in the office chair to face April, sheepish)
I did.

APRIL
(disgusted)
Oh God! Well, you need to flush the toilet.. now! And then you need to scrub it. It’s so nasty. I was gonna take a bath…

SCOTT
(apologetic)
I’m sorry hun, are you going to bed soon?

APRIL
(ameliorated somewhat)
Yah… after my bath.

SCOTT
(turns back to the computer, and presses a key on the computer which activates the microphone on his headset.)
Hey guys, I gotta head to bed now…

APRIL
(loudly, to embarrass Scott)
No, what you gotta do now is flush!

Several voices are heard from the computer laughing. One voice is heard saying, “Owned!”

SCOTT
(embarrassed, but in good humor)
Uhm yeah… I gotta go now.

Scott rises from his seat and exits the OFFICE. April follows him.

INT. BATHROOM NIGHT

April is running the water in the bathtub, and Scott is scrubbing the toilet with a toilet brush…

APRIL
Can you wash the brush when your done? (pause) And then wash whatever you used to wash the toilet brush with?

SCOTT
(sigh)
You are impossible.

APRIL
(laughs)
Yeah, but you still love me… (under her breath) probably ’cause I flush the toilet daily on your behalf.

SCOTT
Yeah, I do… psycho!

April laughs.

Scott continues to scrub the toilet. April exits the room and returns a few moments later naked. April stands in front of the sink and considers her reflection in the mirror above the sink.

APRIL
(to Scott)
Do you think I need new boobies?

Scott stops scrubbing the toilet and places the toilet brush in the toilet brush holder-thing between the toilet and the sink. He stands up and turns to April.

SCOTT
(obviously, he’s had this conversation with her before)
No… you don’t!

APRIL
(incredulous, turns to Scott)
Please! It looks like I have two decapitated and dismembered beanie babies stapled to my chest!

A small, tabby CAT enters the room and starts plaintively meow-ing. April and Scott ignore the cat.

SCOTT
April, you look fine!

APRIL
So I don’t need new boobies?

SCOTT
No!

Scott faces the toilet and whips “it” out and starts urinating into the toilet.

APRIL
(lovingly caresses Scott’s butt with her hand.)
Aww… you are so sweet to me.

SCOTT
(amused)
You saw what I did in the toilet. Are you sure you want to be rubbing that?

APRIL
(annoyed, sniffs her hand)
Eww! Hey! Those are my sweatpants! And you’re going commando aren’t you!?

Scott laughs.

The cat jumps on the edge of the toilet, pauses, and walks under Scott’s urine stream.

SCOTT
(shouts)
Dude!

APRIL
What the fuck? Hailie, no!
Scott! You pee’d on my cat!

April swats at the cat, who jumps off the toilet. The cat meows at Scott and April and bounces out of the room.

SCOTT
(loudly)
She fucking walked into it! How the hell was I supposed to know she’d do that?

APRIL
(turns off the bathtub faucet and climbs in.)
Well, I think you should wash Hailie. That’s so gross, what is wrong with her? She is so totally your cat!

SCOTT
(indignant)
Oh! So when she needs to have a bath, she’s my cat!

APRIL
(laughing)
Exactly. Oh hey, what were we talking about… oh yeah, do I need new boobies?

The cat returns. She hops up on the sink and meows once.

APRIL
Hey Husband, Hailie’s thirsty.

Scott rolls his eyes at the insanity surrounding him and turns on the water in the sink slowly. The cat begins drinking from the thin stream of water, as if it were her personal water fountain. Scott EXITS.

FADE OUT

Permalink